4am thoughts

Full bloom is when the earth won’t stop smiling, the world won’t stop spinning into the furthest of reaches.

If I could put your laughter in a box, I would sink like sand. Quick, hold me.

Be the person that proclaims with your being: I am proof that there is good in the world.

High tech marks a forward trajectory, approaching Most Human and then surpassing it.

Phone therapy replaces phone sex. What have we done to our insides?

My ego loves you. I however, don’t.

Time feels like the tired grope of my hands on a rope pulled tight. Down the rabbit hole we go.

SENSE

One thing led to another,
or several things in four dimensions,
and it feels like it’s your fault.
Sometimes mine, you’d agree.

I don’t know who said what first,
or who missed a beat.
For the hopeful, “later” means “soon”
and “no” means “yes”.
I mean what I say-
Are you a hopeful too?

I have my theories as to why
people are cold and step on toes
but I only know what I’ve got
and not how we got here.
There is no sequence:
Minds are not equipped for when
things happen all at once.

It’s like opening your mouth
when your jaws are locked.
It’s like screaming
when the music is too loud.
It’s this tangled feeling like,
I want to love you
but I can’t stand you.
And I don’t know how to fix it.

CLOSURE

How does one say goodbye? Should it be implied in the slow turning of the shoulder? In the shy glance away, the delayed response? In paragraphs typed and deleted. In the way a mug is moved, never to be seen again? In the careful stashing of memorabilia; a laundry list in my writing? Here, hold onto that.

Maybe I’ll run into the night, like I never existed.

MIDDLE GROUND

We have trucks chained to our backs
and we’re heaving up the hills.
The chains begin their lacerations,
and we look back again to simpler times.
But we mustn’t tip; Integrity is our fuel.
You up north, myself down to the south.
There is no right. Only forward.

INGRATITUDE

I want to melt into the sidewalk,
a mark on the concrete that cannot feel
the weight of shoes and wheels and tires.
Or better yet, a particle of dust,
swimming in the open air,
spiraling through immeasurable distances,
suspended in sunlight and
caressed by warmth.
It is eternity in a moment.
I want to settle into the soil
and be compressed into crystal
or travel through legs
of weeds and greedy roots.
Then become lavender, magenta, tulip-
with no purpose but to wave,
look pretty and
be fragile on stalks lifted to the sky.
I want to be a tireless wave,
rolling on a routinely schedule,
rocking to a universal lullaby.
My storms carry no anger
and I am blameless in destruction.
I want to be the ocean.
But I also want to flirt with the moon,
feel fingers run through my hair,
and bask in tender affection.
If only I could be something else
and both at the same time.

MASOCHIST

You’re on a leash,
throttled and obedient.
You’re free to roam
but you scamper
when you’re called…
as if you’ve even moved.
It’s a mild case of
Stockholm Syndrome,
you psychotic wreck.
You need each other
yet you need to get
better.
Did you choose
oblivion
or did it choose you?

INSIDIOUS

I’m selfish, I’m so selfish, I’m sorry. And because I’m selfish I won’t let you forget. I’ll come by like a tickle of wind, like a sudden chill in the evening, a hushed tone when you’re not really listening. I’ll be the ache in your joint that reminds you of an old wound, and sometimes the odd feeling that nags at you, the word on your tongue you can’t quite put a finger on.
I need love, I’m sorry. So I might say things that I’ll regret just to know that you haven’t forgotten about me.

ELEGIAC

If a car ran you over, if you fell off a cliff,
if you drowned on holiday or lost to cancer,
I think I would go to your funeral.
Because you’re my family, I should go and will go
because I love you-
I would feel death in my blood.
Because you’re my best friend, I will go and sing
your favourite songs,
because that’s what you would want.
Because you’re my boyfriend, I will go and send
kisses to catch,
along with my faithful heart.
Although I’ve only spoken to you a handful of times,
I will go and think:
how great it was to see your glimmer.
Although we’ve only smiled at each other
through quiet hallways, I will go.
Because I acknowledged you when you were alive,
it only makes sense that I do when you’re not.
And so I will come.