Nonsensical post

No structure: free form, degraded hand-writing. Cursive, illegible. Makes me think: rap, jazz, free-style. You do it often enough and it sounds rehearsed; you get it right the first time.
So here I go, this was my day:
God, help me. I didn’t want to get up from my bed. Limbs weak, eyes dry. I put on my make-up, had Oreos for breakfast. Put on my falsies and got in an Uber: 8am photoshoot.
Some people can put on more makeup and look beautiful- I however, can only go so far. I look middle aged or like my face has been painted on like a festival mask (it is le Dia de Los Muertos). I am also awfully self-conscious in front of a camera. I focus on the fact that my eyes don’t crinkle when I smile, that I must look dead and insincere. I don’t know where to position my body, so my arms are fat and my shoulders are hunched – the body of a hag. Crazy to think I used to get a kick out of play-pretend modelling. Sleepovers were for perfecting catwalk, bootcamps for sexy squints.
I went home to rip off the lashes and put on my workout clothes. I went from acapella to boxing crew, all of whom were wearing hoodies as uniform. Made a joke about running on Oreos. Chimed in on the banter, got teased for my “night-before” makeup. I love this group: so encouraging  when I forgot the combo and even more so when I got it right (whoops, cheers, high-fives). It’s frustrating to deal with memory blanks. I check out and my body goes berserk. Don’t think about it, just feel it? Ironic that the key is mental repetition. Think about it.
Microwaved chicken, left over couscous with parmesan cheese. Bread and jam, two eggs. And Oreos for the rest of the day. Insulin spike won and I took a nap, only to be woken up by a phone call. I had agreed to Skype but my soul was dry. I LOVE MY FRIENDS but sometimes I let my temporary discomforts take over. I am drained, I am annoyed, I am bothered by the prospect of socializing. But remember: she’s going to graduate- you are lucky she even makes time for you.
Today I scrolled through my phone and wasn’t all present in conversation. Today we talked about this temporary home- it feels real now, like it could last. But we are just passing through. But speaking of the ephemeral, I downloaded Tinder and swiped for a brief fifteen minutes because I remembered this cute Burning Man guy who didn’t reply me after asking to hang out. (??) Such is life.
Talked to God seriously in the shower and came across something profound:

If obsessing over a certain kind of behavior will actually increase the probability of that behavior manifesting itself, and if it’s the intent of our heart that really matters anyway, doesn’t it make sense to take the emphasis off the behavior and place it on making sure the intent of our heart is right? Doing this accomplishes two good things. It will restore our relationship with God, helping us to regain our victory, and it will make the manifestation of the behavior less likely by depriving it of its importance.
– Jack Kelley

#preach. Food does not have the power to control me- neither through the fear of giving in or through obsession. We are all works in progress. I’m okay with that.

I watched a presentation on childhood development and technology and loved it– I realize I love research for it’s findings, not for it’s methodological design (bye pHD).The concept of contaminated time is also so real and intriguing- with technology and constant access to people, work, and school, we no longer have separate spheres of life. We no longer have a set time to do different things; we forget there are seasons in life and do everything at once. We can’t get away from work and are constantly stressed. I recently learned that some French companies will shut down email access during lunch hours for their employees. The French know what it means to live well. I also frkin love podcasts. I daydream about listening to them during research but it can get distracting so I listen to music instead.
I was pleasantly surprised by an interview offer for the developmental minor I applied for- although, the only available time slot for me is TOMORROW. Good luck to me!!!!!!

Sleep beckons.




My feet stuttered. My legs were so tired I couldn’t feel them. Each of my last strides was a thud disconnected from my body, and I knew I reached the finish line only because I watched it happen. My brain sort of hurt, as if my head was being compressed. It was so strange. What is it that makes some people better at sprinting than running long distance and vice versa?

I watched amazed as people slid over poles half a head taller than themselves. Bodies first, then the legs. Like a wave. Will I make it? Each successful jump for me came with a rush of relief. Then I started landing on the pole, leaving me with bruises that remind me they’re there when I sit.

My last sports day and we won. Speechless. Incredible. Couldn’t have gone any better.

I basically spent 3 hours watching Mr. Nobody, craning my head to see the screen with most of my face buried in a pillow. I kept thinking that I’d finally understand it if I waited it out… But I was disappointed. If a movie gets a lot of hype from a friend, expect it to be worse than it’s made out to be. It’s better to start off with little to no expectation. And this applies for many things. I did however, appreciate the idea about parallel universes and the branches of possibilities that come from each moment where choice is involved. These quotes stood out to me:

“As long as you don’t choose, everything remains possible.”
“Every path is the right path. Everything could have been anything else and it would have just as much meaning.”
“In chess, it’s called Zugzwang, when the only viable move is not to move.”

Then he tried to explain the Quantum Theory to me but I think he’s going to have to do that again sometime soon.

And then you go and write something like that and I see how much better you are than I am …. And that’s why it’s not a possibility. I may not know you well but you are a beautiful person. I admire you.

Sometimes when I’m walking alone, I wonder if you’ll pass by in a taxi. Maybe you’ll be looking out from a window as you’re riding the bus, bored and sleepy, when you see me. Maybe you’ll think ‘I think I know her’ and then forget me in an instant, or maybe you’ll think ‘ah yes, I remember’ and wonder how I’m doing and how things could’ve been if you really got to know me. But it’s all wishful thinking.

to remember


So she talked to him on the phone today whilst I was sitting on the sofa and reading some poetry. She told me to be quiet and said “if you have something to say, talk to me on facebook”. That was a ridiculous and hilarious thing to suggest as I was sitting in the same room as her, less than a meter away. But that was the plan anyway. So I listened to them talk in turns, sharing little things about their day, and let their banter be the soundtrack to my scrolling through blogs. I noticed the ease with which she spoke and his chuckles interwoven through her voice and felt happy. This could be something. But if this is where it ends, it’s sweet to see the beginnings of a relationship. Someone is making an effort with her. Finally. Someone is willing to take the time to enjoy her company, her laughter and take part in insignificant conversations (which are nice and full of that mundane charm, if that makes sense). I’m happy about this. The excitement of her having a crush and watching the trend of modern day romance unfold.

And now she is asleep because she woke up at 6 today, God bless her, and I am sitting on the floor in my uniform, completely stuffed with fried rice and waiting for someone to reply to me on facebook. I’ve just remembered what she said today that made me smile. She said she was still praying and that she was praying about him too. God, You are incredible.

Also, I have a tonne of art work to do but now is not the time. Perhaps tomorrow.