In the morning, there can be no Taylor Swift. She is banned. I will take a dose of Thrupence, a gentle waking, the tinkle of wind chimes. My husband needs to know to cure me with morning sex and a bit of coffee to nudge me into existence. A good roommate knows to leave me quietly on the bed, Bible on my lap.

An apple in the morning is the ticket to swelling in the belly- straight to the second trimester. Lunch feels like second lunch. Will this ever pass? Will there be good in the world?

I will yet praise Him. Ah, there it is. The lamp switched on; I am loved. I walk with a small smile for I have inherited the world.


Coffee cake & tea

It has not yet been a full 24 hours since I reached my destination: Dorset. ‘Just’ Dorset of the hay stacks and fields, verdant narrow lanes, brick houses and 13th century churches. Just Dorset where most strangers and even more of them with dogs say hello as you pass them by. It’s the countryside that my grandmother loves.

How was the flight? She inquired. My parents got lucky with a business class upgrade. When my mum whispered it to me, I’d rejoiced thinking we’d all gotten it. The trick is to purchase Premium Economy tickets, be the latest in line, a professor, and a beloved frequent flyer. Dad offered to switch places with me but when he came to check up on me midway through the flight, I was eating my black bean chicken and rice, refreshed from the best sleep I’d had on a plane since I was small enough to lay my head on mum’s lap. Neck strain was something I grew into. Vomiting was something I seem to have grown out of. I had claimed the two vacant seats beside me, which spanned my whole left side when I bent my knees slightly. THANK YOU GOD! I kept smiling to myself. It was, dare I say it, an enjoyable flight. I caught in the reflection of my screen the handsome dad behind me,  entertained by his beautiful green-eyed daughter. She was the kind of child to point at the horse-racing on tv in the immigration line and shout excitedly about the beams. “That’s like the one you rode right, daddy! Is he galloping or trotting?” “Yes, yes it was”, the dad mumbled distractedly as he typed on his phone. I wondered where the mum was.

I felt a strange pride when the immigration lady checked our passports and examined us, one by one. I love identifying the resemblances between family members. Yes, I am quite obviously the product of an Englishman and a Chinese woman. Sitting across from my parents at lunch, I realised that I have mum’s cheekbones, my sister dad’s eyebrows. And again on the taxi in the periods of quiet between the driver cursing the traffic, I felt that strange pride as my parents spoke to one another in Chinglish; English with Chinese stripes or Chinese with English stripes? Once, I asked my mum if daddy organised trips and managed finances too. She said: “we do different things”. I sat between them, a symbol of their complements.

When grandma showed me to my room, formerly her study, I saw that the walls were adorned with pictures of my family. My first day of school in a plum dress and a hat. Pictures of when I looked like a boy. My brother in a tub, my sister in a cable car. We occupy the corners of bathrooms; we are everywhere. We grandchildren are thought of often.

Today, she looked at me as I sat by the window reading a new book. She came to me silently and bent down to give me a hug, just because.

Tesla, tea, and death

I need time to learn. I need time to read. I want to watch movies yet I do not want to spend two hours of my time in front of a screen. But I do love reeling after an amazing movie or a book, completely mind-blown and in awe of the power of creation. How thoughts I’ve never had have been shared with me through words, spoken or written, and how beautiful things I’ve never fathomed have been show to me through moving images or skillfully evoked in my mind.

Some things to remember:

After watching The Prestige, my curiosity, admiration and respect for Nikola Tesla has been renewed. I once started a novel about him, called The Invention of Everything Else but I never got to finish it. It’s one of those books that melds together content from history with elements of fantasy. The one thing I do remember is Tesla’s eccentricity, with the whole talking-to-pigeons thing and isolation in his New York hotel room. But I just couldn’t get into it- I guess I just wasn’t interested at the time. The movie has piqued my interest. Although The Prestige is largely fictional, the wisdom (or should I say genius) and quiet confidence of Tesla is definitely conveyed. Apart from Tesla, it’s the kind of movie that you have to watch more than once to appreciate the clever shots, clues and crumbs left by the director. This is what I love about some books and films: you’re able to find something new or surprising each time you go back, depending on different frames of mind and life experiences. People say that about bible verses too- some particular verses may hold a slightly different meaning at a different period of time. 

I did some research on Tesla and apparently he was believed in Eugenics. It reminds me of how my dad called James Watson a misogynist bastard just yesterday, very rightfully pointing out that geniuses do not have to be good people. Darwin shared these elitist beliefs too but nobody really cares considering his revolutionary contribution to Science.

Also, I am never drinking Chai Tea Latte ever again. The aftertaste is slightly medicinal… I think I will stick to my usual coffee fixes. And I can live on persimmon fruits for the rest of my life. I am in love.

My previous post ‘ELEGIAC’ was the culmination of my thoughts on funerals one day as I was walking home from school, imagining a car swerving and smashing into me right then and there. I thought “who would go to my funeral?” as anybody might, and began to think about the reverse: “whose funerals would I go to?” At what point does a person become significant enough to go to their funeral? It’s obvious that it’s expected of family members and friends but would it be weird to go to an old crush’s funeral? What if he/she was only an acquaintance? I talked to a friend about this and made up my mind, though I don’t know the extent to which I’d be practical about it. I don’t know if I’d put my words into action… but hopefully I won’t have to anytime soon.

From Sobe to Sobe to remember

French toast & other things

Eggs and jam are disgusting.
French toast and strawberry jam doesn’t sound too bad, but trust me… No. I’ll blame the horrid taste on the low quality jam and the soggy eggy bread combination. But whenever there is two of any kind of food and I have nothing better to do, I will eat it. And I should probably stop that.

I caught a taxi to school, thanked God for one just as I stepped out and onto my street and got to school early. We’re supposed to be signed in by 8:10, which used to be an impossible feat for my lazy self, and I’ve succesfully arrived before 8 for two days now.  Achievement!

I was also excited about the newly renovated two-floored canteen, where coffee is available and a salad bar casually chills. It’s just there. Against the wall. Looking fiiine. Unfortunately, it offers only one type of leafy greens. Lettuce. And the pineapples have that pale, canned look to them which makes them unappealing. Such a disappointment. And it turns out that the hot coffee is gross as well… But gross coffee is better than no coffee. I suspect the energy and feeling of productivity I felt today had more to do with the placebo effect than with the caffeine itself. But in thinking that its a placebo, does it stop working? :l Speaking of placebos: to ponder

I have also realized that I’m exceptionally good at spotting what people are looking at. When conversing with someone, I will always note whether or not they are looking into my eyes, at my nose, lips, shirt, or even the desk to my right. I don’t do it on purpose but I am always conscious of where he/she is looking. If people look away often, my mind will start to infer a reason for their behaviour. I’ll wonder if:
they’re shy
its a force of habit
I make them uncomfortable.

I don’t know.

I also worked hard today (compared to the Nothing that I do usually) so I feel good. & I’m happy hard work pays off. I was doing terribly in my internal biology assesments and was told that it’s one of those things that people either get the hang of or don’t. So basically, I was told that it wouldn’t make much of a difference to try again… But I went from an 8 to 15/18. !!! PARTY IT UP!
Encouragement that prayer and effort works.

That’s all that’s worth mentioning today.

From Sobe to Sobe to remember.