As opposed to Flume’s Never Be Like You (I’m sure I titled this as a result of Uber ride brainwashing. It is way overplayed on the radio in Los Angeles). I’m going back to this draft because I am busting to create. I savor the feeling of excitement for things to come, of having too many things to say. It feels like magic, like I’m about cry a rainbow and fart glitter. Like, I can make something good and be pleased with myself for inciting in others what the arts do for me. I empathise with all creators out there who lose it all once they get to the workstation. Here I am, coffee by my side, my family rooting for me, fingers poised by the laptop. It’s a sunny day, there should be no distractions, no problems. But no, I’ve just eaten a burger and I can barely function. Or suddenly I’m illiterate and I don’t know how to write. Or I feel like napping- drained before I even begin.
Also, I’m embarrassed to call myself a creator, what with how hard people work to practice their art. I am trying and that counts for something right? I have a creator’s heart LOL but I don’t have too much to show for it. A few things hold me back. For example, I’m not naturally good at writing– it takes me forever to write essays. It is a torturous process of editing and re-editing a sentence until it is perfect. I do not type away and then correct, which could actually work in my favour. I just want it all to be good the first time around: why can’t I be amazing at the things I love on the first go? I guess evidence for what I claim to love is precisely how much work I’m willing to put into it. How committed I am to it. I am basically an aspiring relationship therapist. If I truly am passionate about creating, I will do it even if it takes me ten years to write one page. And that attitude is just what propels people into success, because practice is progress. Baby steps. Like playing Brain Wars. I shy away from the Maths because I don’t want to lose; I must annihilate everyone with my Quick Eye and outstanding Concentration. However, the more Maths games I play every day, despite losing to the lowly ‘Chickens’, I will gain the skills I need to one day #pwn them all.
Back to the backstory of this post. There was a period of time when I was actively trying to figure out my life/ college goals. Kinda cool how I heard the words “the most urgent things are most often not the most important things in life” through the mouths of different people. God reveals himself through people, truly. The first time I heard it, I was overcome with anxiety. What is most important to me? What are my priorities? It made me reflect and think about what I’m doing to best serve my long-term interests, because I must find a purpose. I must be twelve steps ahead of the game and great at what I do. Forward-looking, successful. Okay, I’ll focus on my grades, my position in my sorority and pursue spiritual psychology. I want to attend life coaching/ therapy sessions and get a taste for this world, learning to facilitate conversation about who we are designed to be. My goal is to create a space for people to be and feel authentic, to be loving towards themselves, honest, vulnerable. There is no place for pride or self-consciousness for genuine connection and compassion is our humanity. I want to proclaim that God knows our sufferings and that He is greater. He will sustain us in the night, be our constant when no one else can carry us. He looks upon us with perfect love even when we believe that we are unworthy and undeserving. All well and good.
It is only when I heard it the second time that I was directed towards God: He is the answer, the cure to my anxiety. He exposed my pride. How on earth can I pursue what I say is most important to me without cultivating an attitude of humility in everything I do?
If all I want is to be recognized for being an achiever, to be heard the loudest, to have the most significant role… I am missing the point. Following Jesus means taking the back seat- this is what he did when he died for me. It’s not that I’m to make myself less important or significant, it’s not that I must put myself down and feel lesser compared to anyone else. No, it’s confidence in who I am and realizing that I don’t need outward praise and recognition. It’s showing love to everyone without reserve. It’s saying that I’m not too good for a small job, too holy to associate with someone who chooses to live indulgently. My problems are not bigger than anyone else’s. I am to be a blessing in others’ lives. I am to serve more than I seek to be served. I am to make room for people in my heart and think of myself less.
I want to be like You, Jesus. That is my goal.