We want freedom, control. But we were born into the world without choice and we will die the same way. I experience spasmodic sadness or emptiness, when suddenly all colour drains from the world. I wrote in a feverish prayer:
You are my reason when everything I do seems fruitless- to pass time. I am passing time.
God needs to be my reason because I am stuck in life… I didn’t choose to be here but somehow I was put here. Do I have to force myself to enjoy life because I have no other choice? Like, sorry, you’re here, live with it? That’s how people live and somehow get by, day to day.
How do people love life so passionately? Are the good times worth living for? I guess all shitty moments are opportunities for me to come back to God. Every time I’ve felt this way, when I didn’t think I’d get out of the rut, I’ve pulled through- or God has helped me. I’m still here aren’t I? But in those darkened moments, no good times exist. Or they do but they’re muted, like I was never ecstatic. They were good, I suppose, but not that good. It just doesn’t seem worth it. Yes John Green, pain demands to be felt; it is an overhanging shadow.
I know I am blessed, that I am lucky, privileged. I also know I am ungrateful, so I’ve thought many times: why is my soul the one in this body and in this life when so many others can appreciate it more than I can? Or maybe I should suck it up and just try to be thankful? I view it almost as a chore, feeling trapped and poised for a temper tantrum. I know how terrible that sounds! I would offer myself to any starving child so that he/she can have what I have. Please, be me, because sometimes I don’t want to be.
We want to gain control over our emotions, our petty thoughts; we want to be happy. But are people content through comparing their current situation with the many underprivileged? As long as someone else has it worse, you’re convinced that you’re happy? I find that paradoxically, the most contented people I know or read about are the ones who have given themselves away totally and completely. They seem at peace with the world and themselves- like they’ve tapped into something most people are blind to. They feel more free and love more deeply than myself and even a lot of Christians I know. Why? Because my God is not as true? Or their ways, their gods are just as true? Why am I lacking and why are they fulfilled? Maybe because they are also connected more deeply to what they believe in than I am. They devote themselves entirely, whilst I give my God a passing glance on most days. How can I expect the same effects or to uncover my reason without full commitment?
Perhaps that is the problem. Perhaps I know what will cure me, and so I always yearn for God when I feel like this. It makes sense to me and I will always come back to the same answer: God.
“I am the Alpha and the Omega, says the Lord God, “who is and who was and who is to come, the Almighty.”
– Revelation 1:8
He is in control. He is why I am here, even if the only reason is to love Him.