Exponential growth

Distance makes the heart grow fonder. It’s like my feelings have experienced a time lapse; a lag. Being with you was like watching a glacier drop before it’s heard, and now that you’re gone the sound is deafening. My feelings work the way an audio track refuses to synchronize with murmuring lips on television. If that makes sense. I’m catching up and I miss you.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been granted time (from now to the indefinite forever) to uncover what I had missed when you were here. Maybe this is the unfurling of things that had passed me by- things that had gone largely unnoticed. Or maybe I’m recreating you, innacurate is the nature of memory. Your absence makes you more here than ever, because when I hear a song and think oh, you’d probably like this, I can’t make you to listen to it and say “sorry but you have to” (I admit I’m pushy and opinionated when it comes to good music). When I received an offer from University and I was happy, I wanted to share it with you but I couldn’t. When I’m out and surrounded by strangers in a tiny room (clubbing is not a social affair), I want to hold your hand but I can’t. And what you can’t do will always be more salient than what you can do. Longing is a powerful thing.

Somehow, your little idiosyncrasies have become more endearing. Like the way you draw out and swoop your o’s in ‘nooo’ and carry a kind of lisp when you say “yes” with a nod of the head. Like the way you self consciously tuck your hair back into place with a brush of your hand. Like how you sing random lines of random songs randomly or seem to enjoy singing the instrumental, dub-step bits in pop music even more. Like how it’s just so you to say “alright? How we doing?” every time we meet. And let’s not forget your winsome smile- like a puppy.

I’ve been thinking how it’s close to impossible to find someone who regards me the way you do. That there are certain things you’d give up to be with me because for some reason, I’m worth it. I don’t understand it but I’m thankful for it. I don’t know what to say, save that it makes me miss you that much more.


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