An empty vessel

I could lie and say that I’ve actually been typing up posts and hiding them on ‘private’. I could lie and say that I’ve been scribbling things down, taking care to remember the finer moments, the things that made me chuckle or shrink into myself until I was as small as ever, deep under layers of skin and stoicism. But I won’t. Because here I’ve realized that I want so badly to be the kind of person who can write effortlessly and impeccably- someone who can tell stories well with a penchant for just that. I just won’t admit that I’m letting life slip through my fingers (hello Hazy Days). That truthfully, it’s hard to put down the abundant, incoherent half-sentences from my brain and fossilize the experiences that make me who I am. Memory plays such an integral role in security, in self-assurance and in developing self-concepts. How can I know myself if I can’t remember how I reacted to that thing that happened that Tuesday? Or what I thought when that girl did that thing? Weeks have passed and I’m left scrambling for the fragments.

Where to begin?

Lights, blue and purple and yellow. Flashing, illuminating, pulsing with the music in a nauseating way. I imagine a barrier between myself and the drone of voices, above the bobbing heads and the stifling smoke. Somehow, it’s all a distant hum. Always the same. Strangers and a flurry of faces. Pointless. And I feel the tug of both a loneliness and the desire to be truly alone. How stupid this all is, I think, in my heels and aching feet.

Porter Robinson, amazing, dress malfunction.
She turned towards me, eyes wild. “My dress”. And the skin of her back was exposed in the darkness. I scrunched up the material in a futile effort to fix the zip and we crambled up the stairs and into a taxi.
Nobody said it but the disappointment was so heavy it was palpable.
“I’m so sorry that we’re leaving,” she frowned. “I really didn’t want to go”.
“It’s okay, it was a good night anyway,” we assured her.
We ended up going back at 2am because the “night was still young”.

Music through iTouch speakers, hours on the EDM crazed side of Youtube.

Went on an EllaGraceDenton marathon which sparked the beginnings of a search for female non-makeup-guru Youtubers besides CommunityChannel, Zoella and DailyGrace.
My findings:
it’s not going well :l

Elysium > Gravity
Snuck MacD’s into the theatre!

Spontaneous night in 1881 Heritage, European vibe, selfies all night, BLT burger FINISHED (accomplishment), Starbucks, MacD’s session (been having too much recently).
Late night piano practice, early morning guitar practice, lonely ferry ride, Discovery Bay, unexpected encounter whilst exiting 7/11, awkward interview
Guy, reminders
Over the fence, by the sea, on the rocks, Canon Camera, HK Skyline, beautiful, lights, spots and circles of glowing colour
Lying on benches next to tall buildings, foggy starless sky
Peak tram, long lines, gravity, HaagenDazs
TEDx talks, Elon Musk

Hey, that’s a start. Fragments. Might come back later, fill in the gaps and string the words together.
Sobe xx


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