Will I ever feel this free again?
Maybe, if I’m unemployed yet wealthy enough to travel alone. Sit for hours in a foreign country, without any real plans and without the urgency to make any. Sounds great to me. But deadlines are what we’re all used to, and movement looks a lot like fulfilment.
Anyhow, I’m excited. It’s hard to describe the feeling of being so hopeful and determined to make the most of my future- university as the most immediate next-big-thing. Wow I’m so cliche I could punch myself! Blank slate, new country, an adjustment to make the past a blurred background. And I’m really getting into the mindset that I can basically take control, find the things that make me happy, learn, and be who I want to be. Underline the parts of me I like and improve the bits I don’t. Reconstruct and take a shape that feels the most me. University will only be a repeat of high school if I let it, and university will only be a dead experience if I cruise it.
Why start now? I guess it’s the most obvious way to begin. Looking forward to a new home, being in a new environment, is like looking forward to a long soak in the bath. “…all freshly bathed and scented, and feeling like a brand new human being!” Blanche Dubois knows what she’s talking about.
It is the perfect time to try and resist groupthink, the push and pull of fads I don’t agree with, or changing myself for people I shouldn’t need to impress. I want to be secure in my values; unshaken, rather than passed along in a sea of opinions, where every obstacle crushes its head into me and manages to strip and polish me into something smooth- to settle in nicely with all the other dull, edge-less pebbles. Only for God am I willing to fully submit and put my sense of self aside.
I must share this quote because it is superlatively relevant:
I am learning every day to allow the space between where I am and where I want to be to inspire me and not terrify me. – Tracee Ellis Ross
And I’m ready to know LA like the back of my hand. I want a new routine, to know where I’m going to get my morning/afternoon/midnight coffee. I want to know where I’m going to shop to replace my torn jeans (not stylishly torn but serious bum-showing-torn), where I’m going to get slippers (because I don’t actually have any) and other cute things. I’ll have a room that looks like my soul vomited on it and I’m going to learn to cook more than just pancakes, eggs, and noodles. I’m going to compile a list of all the things Los Angeles has to offer, and all the places I want to visit within the four years I’ll be there. Museums, art, Banksy, music, jazz, surf, beach, Chipotle, festivals, wine tasting (when I’m old enough), Hollywood, parks, cycling, Disneyland… And other hubs I’m sure I’ll pick up along the way.
Of course, I know the danger of looking towards future happiness. It’s the fruitless endeavour of chasing a dream that’s always out of reach, like trying to out-run the moon. It’s always a step ahead; hence why it’s the future… But a positive outlook doesn’t hurt, and I’m prepping myself more than prepping for outside events. I’m inspired, open to experience, change, and convinced that I can be the one to see to said changes.